This Desert Without You
by Lindira
Summary: His eyes were so cold as he sent her away... Tsukushi, hurt and confused in the wake of her trip to New York, reflects on her devotion to a man who is just no good for her. Songfic Vignette.


**A/N:** This vignette begins right at the end of Vol. 29 of the manga, and carries through to the end of Vol. 30. This begins what I hope will be a series of songfics featuring Sarah McLachlan songs.

**Disclaimer:** _Hana Yori Dango_ isn't mine. "Stupid" is by Sarah McLachlan, and isn't mine either.

* * *

_Night lift up the shades, let in the brilliant light of morning._

The water ripples under the moonlight as I cry in Hanazawa Rui's arms. Why must they be his arms? It wasn't his arms that I came here to find. He's always around when I feel like I'm drowning. When I'm gasping for air, he brings the breeze.

_But steady me now, for I am weak and starving for mercy…_

He takes me someplace warm and safe, when I've been standing in the cold for so long. Guiding me to a bed, he wishes me good dreams. But my dreams are not of him. His hair isn't curly, his shoulders not so broad. His face doesn't scowl so bitterly, and his smile doesn't warm my heart nearly so much.

_Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong…_

As I sleep, I dream the same dream over and over. Doumyouji laughs at me, calling me stupid for believing him, saying how he could never mean those words seriously. I must have imagined the coldness in his eyes, the sternness of his voice. He takes my hand and pulls me away from that gaudy house on the outskirts of the big city. We run, hand in hand, towards home – towards Japan. Forget the planes. When we're together, we can fly.

_And it's all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old, familiar shoes._

When I wake, he isn't here. His best friend – my first love – is caring for me in his stead. We eat a breakfast that he brought for us, and I'm comfortable. As worn out as I am, I feel like I need this one place of solace. But – he kissed me! Why? Why now, when I'm so confused and alone and numb and raging all at the same time? It wasn't so long ago that I would've done anything for his kiss. Hanazawa Rui… Is it horrible that I can't love you just now? Doumyouji has said so much to hurt me. And yet…

_How stupid could I be?_

It was pretty obvious, wasn't it? I shouldn't have come here. I thought our date had been going so well! I smiled and laughed foolishly, not really seeing the strange look on his face. Am I usually so oblivious? I left without thinking, with very little money and no plan at all. But did he ever really want to be with me in the first place?

_A simpleton could see that you're no good for me._

Doumyouji and I come from such different worlds. Opposite ends of the spectrum, really. I don't belong in his world. I could feel it just walking into his house here in New York. A mansion bigger than my apartment building. Gardens that stretch for more than a city-block. A weed doesn't belong in a garden so beautiful. Someone is bound to come and uproot it, throwing it by the wayside. I feel as if I've been uprooted. All I wanted was a quiet life.

_But you're the only one I see._

So what if I was happier with this new, chaotic life? So what if my life was so much fuller with him in it? I shouldn't dwell on him. I shouldn't keep thinking about the short-lived happiness I had with him. Hanazawa Rui tries to distract me, and we sail along, gazing at the Statue of Liberty. This handsome young man beside me – he says he might love me, is willing to work to pay off our food, and buys me flowers with the first few dollars he's ever earned. And yet, he might as well not be there, because within my heart, I can still see that dream where Doumyouji and I run away from all this, like it never happened.

_Love has made me a fool, set me on fire and watched as I floundered…_

Doumyouji came into my life and conquered it so completely. Even before I knew I loved him, he had become the center of my world. The red tag on my locker. My classmates beating me up, and Doumyouji carrying me away, saying he believed in me. Coming to rescue me in the middle of a snowstorm in Canada. Stargazing and the Saturn necklace. That night in the rain. Chasing after the bus, screaming my name. We've been through so much together. I've suffered so much, believing that we belonged together.

_Unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer._

And suddenly, he's right in front of me. How is it possible that he denies all that happened between us one day and challenges Hanazawa Rui for me the next? For a while, I can do nothing but stare at him in fear that he will look at me with those same cold eyes. But when I do find my voice, I don't beg him to come back with us. I don't tell him I love him despite what he said to me. "Make sure to keep all your promises," I say. I don't know how long I will wait for him to keep that promise. Forever, I think.

_And you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places, create an oasis…_

Hanazawa Rui and I fly back to Japan, and I still can't help thinking of him. Doumyouji. It wasn't only sharing a hot pot that he promised me. Didn't he promise – time and again – that he loved me? Didn't he promise to chase me wherever I went, even to hell? He may not have spoken the words, "I promise," but it was a vow all the same. I believed him. I believed he could make me happy… because I was. I was so, so very happy. He was a breath of freedom, a taste of joy. He didn't change me – he made me more myself. I've never been more myself in my life.

_That dries up as soon as you're gone__. You leave me here burning in this desert without you._

Am I less myself now, without him? I'm surrounded by my friends, and working so hard every day. Surrounded, but completely alone. Constantly moving, but utterly still. How is that possible? I'm trying so hard to forget him – even for just moments at a time. And in the night, when my brother is asleep and I am alone, I can't help but stare at the stars and search for Saturn. Saturn is so far away, and so is he, but having something to look for, something that's ours, is comforting. So in the long hours when I can't sleep, afraid of the dreams that will inevitably contain nothing but images of him, I search.

_How stupid could I be?_

I used to have more sense than this. I used to think of other things. I'm better and stronger than all this. Do I really need him that much? It's foolish and silly and weak to be pining after him like this. It was never going to last. How could it? It's better that it ended now. As much as it hurts now, it could always be worse.

_A simpleton could see that you're no good for me._

So many people in the past have warned me about him. They said he was violent and selfish and arrogant. I knew that already. I knew it all. I wasn't stupid enough to think I could change him, no. But didn't I see changes? He's simple and kind. Is that enough to make up for the rest of his personality? He's still violent, still selfish, still arrogant. How much did he really change? Could I really love someone like him forever?

_But you're the only one I see._

I don't know about forever. I love him now, isn't that enough? I can't love Hanazawa Rui anymore. I can't love anyone else right now. Yes, I knew that it probably wouldn't last. I can't help loving him. For so many reasons, it's wrong for us to be together. But I just want to see him. Even if it's just once more, I need to see him.

_Everything changes. Everything falls apart._

Just as suddenly as before, Doumyouji is before me again. He weakens my composure. I'm trying not to cry, even as he's being his stupid old self again. Maybe it's because he's his stupid self again that I want to cry. I'm so glad to see it, so glad to see that something of the man I love is still in there. Could he love me again? No – I don't want to think about the possibility. Even though that's the thing that I want the most, I don't want to feel this way again. He changed his mind about me so quickly mere days ago… I couldn't stand it if he loved me again, only to change his mind again later.

_I can't stand to feel myself losing control__. In the deep of my weakness I know…_

It's just like old times. For a while, I can pretend we're together again, just two people dating. He smiles at me, and heat rises to my face. Was I always so girly? I don't ask questions. I don't want to rock this tenuous boat we're floating in. I'm so happy in this moment, in this precious afternoon we get to spend together. I could fall in love with him all over again as we laugh, buying groceries and cooking stew. And if I let my mind wander, I think how nice it would be if things were like this forever… like a normal couple. Normal couples buy food like this, cook and eat meals like this. We aren't normal. No, not normal. But I can allow myself this one, guilty fantasy.

_How stupid could I be?_

Can't we just keep trying? I don't want to give this up! This is what I want, isn't it? All I want is him! I've never wanted anything else for myself. Can't I be selfish for once? I was stupid not to fight for him! I was stupid not to slap him when I saw him in New York, stupid not to demand that he come back with me immediately. I should have forced him to come to his senses. Even Doumyouji couldn't be that fickle.

_A simpleton could see that you're no good for me._

No, he's no good for me. But, somehow, he's _right_ for me. Yes, he's violent and selfish and arrogant. But aren't I a little violent too? I might not be selfish or arrogant, but I'm stubborn and quick to anger and I never say what I mean. I'm always deciding things on my own. I never tell him how much I love him. So maybe I'm no good for him either. Can't two people – two people so desperately no good for each other – be perfect for one another? We may come from different worlds, but we have always been working to bridge that gap. It may be slow-going, it may take forever, but we can find that middle ground.

_But you're the only one I see._

It's so abundantly clear to me now. There really is no one else for me. Doumyouji hasn't just taken over my life, he's become it. I have to fight for us. I have to make him fight for us too. I'll do anything to make it work between us. I love him. Someday, I'll tell him how much.

_How stupid could I be?_

Oh, I am so stupidly in love with him.

_A simpleton could see that you're no good for me._

We're so terribly different, but somehow, that makes us stronger.

_But you're the only one I see._

I'm desperately in love. There can be no one else but you, Doumyouji. Just you wait. I will fight to make you mine again.

-End-


End file.
